Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Happy Birthday Dad
Yesterday was the 21st anniversary of my fathers death. It would have also been his 55th birthday. He died on his 34th, that is 3 years younger then what I am now.
The subject of my dad is tied up with so many different emotions that I rarely talk about him to be honest. My dad left my mom, my sisters and I 3 years before he died and we never saw or spoke to him again. I was 13 years old when he left and 16 when he died. I did receive one letter from him in that 3 year time span. For many years I took it out and read it often, then just on his birthdays ( again, ironically also the anniversary of his death). I didn't read it this year and didn't mention out loud to anyone, even those that know what the day was.
The day after he died we found out that we had a stepmother and two year old brother.
When my dad first left all those years ago I was devastated, as were my sisters. We were also very angry and went back in forth between those two emotions, often having them at the same time. I wrote him a few letters, some sad and weepy and some full of anger, bitterness and why? I have often worried that the last letter he received was an angry one, I hope not.
A lot of people were surprised that dad left. I was not. My parents did not have a healthy relationship, and honestly my dad was not a healthy person at the time. My mom was not perfect either, but she did not deserve what she got during their marriage or after.
Over the years it has been difficult for me to reconcile the two people my dad could be with the one that he was, does that make sense?? He could be awful, I mean really awful. But he could also be really wonderful.
Dad loved God, even when he was lost I believe he had that in his heart. Dad taught us to love God also, and I thank him for that. He read to us often from the Bible. Random verses that he felt applied at the time. Always finishing with 1st Corinthians 13. He wanted us to know this. He would lay at the foot of my bed and read to his 3 daughters. It's the clearest good memories I have of him and I hold them dear in my heart.
Over the years I have sometimes only been able to focus on the bad memories and the sadness of abandonment and the issues that left my sisters and I dealing with.
Now, at this point in my life I feel sadness, some sadness for myself and the little girl inside that sometimes still wants and needs a daddy. Sadness for my children that don't have a grandpa. Mostly I feel sadness for him. He had wonderful potential in so many ways. I feel sad for the man he sometimes was and could have always been. I feel sad for the father that missed so many things while his little girls were growing up ( and his son). I feel sad that he's not here to see the amazing women that we've become and how close we are and how much we love each other. I feel sad for him that because he's gone, that his daughters and son never really got to know each other.
I look around at his 13 grandchildren, 5 of which are my own and I know how much he would have loved and enjoyed them. I can see some of him in some of them....
Mostly I'm sad for the good man that got lost and I hope that he was found.
ADDED 3/30/2009
So I had never seen this picture before Sunday ( 3/28) Uncle Steve posted it on FB in response to Gerry asking for pictures of Dad. I'll admit it took my breath away for a moment when I saw it. I can't really put a finger on why. Uncle Steve said it captured him well, he's right. He looks young, vital and maybe even happy in this picture. I can see it like it was yesterday, in my memory...I bet it was a great day. It also looks, just a little bit like he was running away, just a little......I think that's why. Anyway, it makes me happy, and sad...but I like it, alot.
